I haven't been finding it terribly easy to write lately. There is so much to say, but I just don't know where to start, and most of it is probably stuff I shouldn't be telling you about anyway. But my mind is occupied by the burden of these thoughts, and I need to find a way to confront them, conquer them, and move on.
My body hurts. My stomach hurts, my brain hurts, most of all my heart fucking hurts. Life goes on.
The last time I felt like this, I felt broken down in a different way. A tangible way. The heartbreaks and challenges were clear cut and easy to explain. But it's not like that this time. I don't know how to convey these heartbreaks and these fears so that they will mean something, so they'll make any sense.
Please don't let me down this time, I've come a long way to just fall back into line. Please hold me back, if I tend to lose it and steer into old tracks. - Jose Gonzalez, Fold (from 'In Our Nature') [Performance for LaBlogotheque]
Things that have happened over the last six weeks are things that I doubt I will understand for years to come, maybe I never will. Rationally, I know that I'm strong and that I've gotten through everything that's been thrown at me so far, and that things will be fine. But it can be hard to move on when I don't understand what's happened, and can't rationalize why things can't just be better. It makes me angry in a way, but mostly sad. And the reality is that so much in this world is unjust and beyond our control, and nothing is ever perfect or as it appears. And we have to find a way to be okay with that. It's a work in progress.
I find myself wishing someone could tell me I'll be okay in a way that makes me actually believe it. But I'm not sure that I'd believe that coming out of anyone's mouth these days. For now, one foot in front of the other, and trying to regain that fine balance that I cherish so much, and that allows me to keep it all together.