Seeking the calm

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The calm comes from certainty. Routine. Knowing the way things will be, the way people will be. Knowing the way I will be.

I fight constantly to maintain balance. It is what keeps me sane, and what keeps me well. Overdo anything, and I never know how far the scale will tip. How far off the rails things will go, and how long it will take to get back on track.

This last chapter has been one of building. I have built something that is sturdy, something that is robust, something that has longevity.

Something I want so much to protect.

Dec 2009

This is where the fear comes in. The fear is about loss. The fear is that the calm will leave. The fear is what makes me a girl scout, and what makes me over-plan, and over-think. The fear makes me forget about the YES that I promised myself I would practice, nearly two years ago.

I don't need the fear anymore. It served an important purpose when things were more difficult... it became a habit. Fear is an incredibly difficult habit to break.

A coma might feel better than this
Attempting to discover where to begin
You're weighed down, you're full of something
Of sickness and desertion
You're weighed down, you're full of something
You're underneath it all.
- City and Colour "Waiting..."

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Depending on fear to keep my life in balance just plain sucks, and it's not necessary. There are better ways. That is what I need to find now.

I have a feeling finding an alternative method of motivating the creation of the calm, will decrease the anxious side of anticipation I often feel, and just let me enjoy things more. Let me enjoy adventuring into the unknown, and trust that things will be ok.  Fear is just such a dang good motivator, that I think figuring out a driving force to create calm and stability without it is going to be challenging. Sure, it'd be great if I could just manifest these things for the heck of it, but really it's still a reactionary thing for me.

Crazysocks

Well I've grown tired of singing songs
That I don't believe in anymore
And I've grown tired of feelin' old
Like I'm lookin' for summer but I find the cold
Well my seasons roll by high and low
I don't hold the reigns I don't have control
And I wish my dice had a different roll
And I wish my path weren't a ragged road
- Vince Vaccaro "Costa Rica"

I haven't yet figured out how I'm going to do this, but identifying the challenge is half the battle. And what is life, without challenges? Some say easy. I say boring! It's a coping mechanism, shuddup.