My feet are buried in wet sand

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And my head may as well be too.

I am officially failing at my intentions for 2010 the past few days. I have been feeling super frustrated and anxious, and generally out of sorts. Being that nothing in particular has triggered this, I am pretty inclined to associate it with not having felt too well again for the last couple weeks. I just don't recover well from any disturbances in the force, and it can take me weeks if not longer to get back to "normal" (whatever that is) after something goes off balance.

After randomly getting a really bad rash the week before, and then having a bad IBS flareup, I am feeling pretty run down emotionally and physically. And yet, the world keeps racing along, so I never feel like I can really stop and rest to a point where I actually feel rested. Just enough to keep trucking along and not totally fall apart.

It's all so damn frustrating. I had blood tests done (again) last week, though they seem to always come back normal, so I'm not really anticipating anything coming of them, other than a big bruise on my arm. I feel like no doctor I've ever seen has cared at all about how shitty I feel on a daily basis, or even made any significant attempt to help. As soon as they run a couple tests and don't see anything, they give up and send me on my way. And sure, maybe they can't do anything. But geez. I shouldn't have to fight so hard just to make sure I get proper medical care. I am just one small person, on my own, taking care of myself. I could use a little damn support.

I mean, I don't really know what to do. I've tried pretty much everything. And regardless, things just are what they are. A little up and down, but almost always a struggle. I decided to stop weighing myself back in the summer when I was really sick for about a month, because seeing my weight drop just stresses me out. For whatever reason, I finally decided to weigh myself today. I thought I was probably doing okay, since (shockingly) nobody has been remarking lately that I look really skinny or unwell. And yet, I actually am down like 3 lbs more than I was before I had the flareup back in June (which was already way down from university days).  That's just so incredibly frustrating to me, I don't even know how to deal with it. I eat as much as I can, but my stomach doesn't handle large quantities of food at a time, or very fatty food, or any of the myriad of things I'm allergic to. And on top of that, I've been trying not to eat quite so much sugar, as I have had crazy candida problems since I was a teenager too. So losing a few pounds might not sound that bad, but over years, as it continues and I'm not able to gain the weight back... well, it sure isn't good.

All this amounts to me feeling just super frustrated and run down, and to be honest it's hard not to get sort of freaked out. I know those feelings don't really help it any, but seriously, it's just hard.


So that's all just me venting all my stress and worry. The other side of this, and what really starts getting to me, is because I have no way of really doing anything about what's going on, I think I start projecting my stress and frustration into the areas of my life that are actually going fine, but where I have more tangible power to affect things. And that doesn't always materialize in a very positive way.

It means, I end up pushing away friends (who I know would be there for me if I could find a way to communicate what I need from them, which is a whole other challenge). It means I stress about work (which is actually one of the best things going on for me right now). It means I cancel on plans so I can just get through the day, which makes me bummed out. It means I start feeling like I'm grasping. And I don't like that feeling, or any of it really.

I try to just cope with all of this crap I'm dealing with in my own head, take it day by day, and not trouble other people with it, but then now and again, it just all starts boiling over. And then I end up letting it all out in a blog post that I'm really not sure should be unleashed on the world.