Life

So first, a little catch up from before my last posts... back in June, I went to Saskatoon for a weekend to go to the wedding of one of my next door neighbours from where I grew up. The Sulatyski family lived next door to me my entire Saskatoon-life (plus a couple years after I moved to Vancouver), and are like my second family... sometimes I feel like I grew up more Ukrainian than any other culture!

Me and the boys

I've been thinking a lot lately about the idea of trust. I've been thinking mainly about people closer to me. I used to be a lot more trusting. And then the summer before last, some things happened that really wrecked my faith in people. I wasn't sure I would get to a place where I trusted people again. I guess I've become aware that it's a real personal choice to trust someone, and that my trust doesn't necessarily equate to any commitment or reciprocation on the other person's part. As odd as it sounds, I've realized I have to trust largely for my own reasons, sort of in a selfish way, and try and be comfortable with the idea that I probably will have my trust broken again, but that next time it won't shatter my world so harshly.

Big decisions are still a struggle for me. I've become a competent and fairly confident decision maker in my work life. But decisions to do with my personal life have long been something I have had a difficult time with.

When I was growing up, I was often told that I was making bad or risky decisions. My young mind did not yet know to interpret this as a mere opinion, and set to agonizing over every decision large or small. I spent most of my life doubting my instincts and experiences as being reliable in guiding my judgement. It was only when I was in grad school, having anxiety attacks, and feeling pretty miserable about life that I first went to counseling, and through it found some perspective on this.

Last week I took a week off work for a little vacation. I spent the first weekend largely hanging out in East Van and catching up with Angie and Marci who just moved to the coast, and walking around on the Drive a bit during Italian Days. 

I hadn't made any terribly concrete plans about what I was going to do for the rest of the week, but had been feeling very deprived of road trips lately. I'm not a huge fan of driving distances by myself, so I settled on hopping on the train down to Seattle for a few days. It'd been about 12 years since I'd last taken the train (on the east coast), so I didn't completely know what to expect.

Amtrak Cascades

Sad but true, my favourite comic book store in town, Elfsar, (who I first blogged about almost 2 years ago) is closing tomorrow. As you can read in the blog post, their rent got hiked over 250%, and that was that. They've got a big sale on, so if you're in town this weekend, show your support, get some cheap books, and bid your farewells.

Before we get started, here's some new LCD Soundsystem for your listening enjoyment...

Much of my thoughts go like an agile retrospective these days... project management is permeating my thinking patterns.

Good

As each challenge in life appears and is confronted, we find ourselves on the other side of it, having either lost or been victorious. Lessons learned, bridges burned, badges earned... We recalibrate, set our compass to a new bearing, and keep moving on to whatever is next. In life and love, I hope and believe that each time we face a challenge, regardless of outcome, if we pay attention and respect the lessons offered, we come out stronger and more in tune with what we need and deserve in the long run.

This is one of my absolute favourite poems, I got it from a gumball machine in Seattle almost 4 years ago.

They are in a dark plum thicket
and she is too far above the ground,
can feel the lift and fall of walking
but is not walking. Beneath her
are the shoulders of a boy
who is willing to carry her for years

Ok everyone, let's all take a collective deep breath. Now hit play, and hear your favourite person's voice in your ears saying "It's gonna be okay."

Pardon the swearing like a sailor, but what the fuck is in the water lately? Myself and so many of the people who I care most about in the world have had a terrible week on top of a terrible couple months. Illness, sadness, shitstorm after shitstorm... It SUCKS!

The last week, and last couple days especially it's all culminated in some people being rude for no reason, and witnessing some of the most revolting words I've seen online being directed at a really good person who didn't deserve it, and specific and general threats to wellbeings and sanities all around. Results have been mostly people caving to stress and sadness and totally losing their shit (myself included). 

Yesterday, I was here:

quartet rehearsing dvorak (view of bowen)

It was lovely. LOVELY. That wasn't the only reason it was a good day though. It was the first day in about 6 weeks that I felt somewhat "normal" (ie. not so exhausted I can't really go out and do anything). I'm not sure exactly what did it, but after a giant sleep and a little dietary tinkering toward the end of the week, all of a sudden, something shifted.

springy flowers

  1. Quiet
  2. Going back to the office
  3. Spring flowers
  4. Views ninja skillz
  5. Dropping my good camera hard and it being completely fine
  6. Clean desk
  7. Digesting = Energy
  8. Amazing girlfriends (even when some are far away)
  9. Apricot pate
  10. New Jay Malinowski album

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