So, I was thinking this morning... life is weird. Stupid small things seem so important when they're not, we fuck up on the most critical stuff all the time, we hurt each other, and love each other, and it's all so fragile and gone in the blink of an eye.
Last night someone I care about left this world that we know. We weren't "best friends", but more like we always had the potential or maybe even intention to be better friends than we were. We'd reconnected early in the year and talked about how much we wanted to hang out - we tried to make plans, and inevitably time passed. Neither of us were feeling very well, and we kept in touch online, expecting that when we were both feeling better we'd be able to hang out some more. I really looked forward to it.
Thing is, just as things started looking up for me, things didn't go so well for her. I am grateful every day that what I'm dealing with is (as far as I know today) not life threatening. I may have super bad days/weeks/months/years, but I realize now what a difference that makes, and that I shouldn't for a moment take for granted my ability to assume that I do at least have time. I really wish that I'd understood that earlier, because I know that I could have figured out a way to rally some energy and resources and spend more time with this friend while I had the chance. Of course, neither of us could've known what limited time there was.
I had this epiphany recently (well, maybe not so much an ephiphany but a pondering) that maybe karma, which I've always liked to believe in, isn't a thing afterall. I grew up believing that if something bad happened it must have been because of some inate flaw, some mistake I'd made even if I didn't know what it was. And alternately, if something good happened, it was because it was earned, through hard work, grit, and probably suffering. And even then, don't assume it was deserved. Good things never "just happened".
This started to change though - I've seen over the past few years that so many people who do shitty things and treat people like kleenex never get a karmic ass kicking. They gain in popularity, are praised, are complimented, and go on merrily about their days. And so many truly wonderful, salt of the earth, kind-hearted, caring, supportive people have awful shitty things happen to them. Life really is unfair, so how can I believe in karma?
Bad things do happen to good people, and vice versa, it's a fact. And those amazing people who experienced bad things didn't deserve it (and maybe, just maybe, neither did I).
So, if karma isn't real and nobody is owed anything in life, then all we can really do is live by our own values. Society's values barely matter if bad things are kept a secret and gotten away with, and good things are often barely celebrated. It's a choice; it's up to us to just do what we feel is right in life - without any incling of being owed something back. Completely unselfishly doing good instead of bad, and treating people right instead of wrong, whenever we can. Like it or not, people do bad things and are let off the hook all the time. Neither are necessarily rewarded or condemned. (Of course, I'm leaving out really terrible, illegal things, which yes, you'll likely get caught and punished for!)
At the end of the day, none of us really owe each other anything. Every day, we just choose whether to be kind, be good, and share love, or be hurtful, selfish, and cruel.
You can never really be sure about anyone, you just have to trust them as long as you can, and know that we never know everything about someone. We each have our own internal lives that we live, and some of us never really let those merge with what we present to the world. Some will surprise you over and over with their goodness, and others the opposite.
Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this, that's all I've got. Thoughts on life, the universe, and everything welcome below...