• Ok everyone, let's all take a collective deep breath. Now hit play, and hear your favourite person's voice in your ears saying "It's gonna be okay."

    Pardon the swearing like a sailor, but what the fuck is in the water lately? Myself and so many of the people who I care most about in the world have had a terrible week on top of a terrible couple months. Illness, sadness, shitstorm after shitstorm... It SUCKS!

    The last week, and last couple days especially it's all culminated in some people being rude for no reason, and witnessing some of the most revolting words I've seen online being directed at a really good person who didn't deserve it, and specific and general threats to wellbeings and sanities all around. Results have been mostly people caving to stress and sadness and totally losing their shit (myself included). 

  • Yesterday, I was here:

    quartet rehearsing dvorak (view of bowen)

    It was lovely. LOVELY. That wasn't the only reason it was a good day though. It was the first day in about 6 weeks that I felt somewhat "normal" (ie. not so exhausted I can't really go out and do anything). I'm not sure exactly what did it, but after a giant sleep and a little dietary tinkering toward the end of the week, all of a sudden, something shifted.

  • I'm better than I was a couple weeks ago, but I am not well. Not yet. And the last two weeks, I pushed too hard, and now I'm feeling a bit worse again. It's so hard not to jump back in full on, into life.

     

    I went to counseling this week for the first time in a while, I said I'd been struggling with a lot since getting really sick last month. Mainly, I am terrible about asking for help. And I am terrible at not pushing myself too hard once I start feeling better. I don't want to miss out on things, and I don't want to let people down.

    My counselor asked me, so what? What is your greatest fear if you just stopped doing everything, and rested... And in all honesty, the only thing that came to mind, is if I stop doing everything I want and need to do, that I would feel like I don't exist. BAM. Biggest fear in life right there. Scares the bejeezus out of me even thinking about things like that.

  • Years ago when I was doing my undergrad at SFU, one of the doctors at the walk-in clinic there recommended a book to me called When the Body Says No. I went out and bought this book, and after flipping through it felt really offended at the recommendation. The book is about the physiological effects of stress, mainly in relation to how undealt with stress can result in chronic illnesses, auto-immune diseases, cancer, etc. I though the doctor was implying that I wasn't handling stress well, and it was making me sick. And whatever elements of truth that may have had, I found it incredibly offensive, largely because she didn't propose any solutions as far as what could help decrease the severity of my chronic health problems. So I put the book away on my shelf, and there it has sat for the past several years...yet surviving many book culls (for the sake of bookshelf sustainability).

  • springy flowers

    1. Quiet
    2. Going back to the office
    3. Spring flowers
    4. Views ninja skillz
    5. Dropping my good camera hard and it being completely fine
    6. Clean desk
    7. Digesting = Energy
    8. Amazing girlfriends (even when some are far away)
    9. Apricot pate
    10. New Jay Malinowski album
  • So about that sick. I said Tuesday that things were pretty bad, but Wednesday they got worse. I ended up at the doctor's again, as it had gotten so bad that I was feeling too lightheaded to really do anything. That was the most scared I've been for my health in as long as I can remember. I got a really good doctor (surprisingly) at the walk in clinic Wednesday evening and he figured that my intestines had become pretty inflamed as a result of the virus I'd had, and that's why I wasn't really digesting anything properly anymore, and also why I had become so tired/weak.

  • What better reason to give ol' SpendLocally.ca a little much-needed love than to memorialize one of my favourite local businesses. Sadly, my favourite bookstore in Vancouver, Duthie Books, has closed their final location in Kits, after 53 years in business.

    Duthie Books pilgrimage. Sad to say goodbye.

    From the press release posted on their website:

  • And my head may as well be too.

    I am officially failing at my intentions for 2010 the past few days. I have been feeling super frustrated and anxious, and generally out of sorts. Being that nothing in particular has triggered this, I am pretty inclined to associate it with not having felt too well again for the last couple weeks. I just don't recover well from any disturbances in the force, and it can take me weeks if not longer to get back to "normal" (whatever that is) after something goes off balance.

    After randomly getting a really bad rash the week before, and then having a bad IBS flareup, I am feeling pretty run down emotionally and physically. And yet, the world keeps racing along, so I never feel like I can really stop and rest to a point where I actually feel rested. Just enough to keep trucking along and not totally fall apart.

  • I waffled back and forth on whether to even make intentions for this coming year (and then whether to publish them anywhere). I had been practicing existing without having a plan, and just seeing where life takes me. Thing is, having ended up in a place I didn't expect, I never really thought about where my current self could go. It's all fine and good seeing where things go, but I don't like just letting life happen to me, I want to make the life I want a reality. And so, it becomes time to think about what that means. It's fine if these intentions aren't fulfilled, there is no failure, there is only learning and doing better next time.

    1. Cease to act based on fear. Go on the offensive in all aspects of life.

    2. Remember how to hope, how to be ambitious. (And know that it doesn't jinx me, creating expectations that can't be met.)

  • The calm comes from certainty. Routine. Knowing the way things will be, the way people will be. Knowing the way I will be.

    I fight constantly to maintain balance. It is what keeps me sane, and what keeps me well. Overdo anything, and I never know how far the scale will tip. How far off the rails things will go, and how long it will take to get back on track.

    This last chapter has been one of building. I have built something that is sturdy, something that is robust, something that has longevity.

    Something I want so much to protect.

    Dec 2009

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