Choices

You got to push, got to shove
I've got to eat before they eat me
Got the crown and the cup
I've got to write to my family
And say, "I'm calm and feeling warm."
I'm not quite there, but I'm close
And it's a world of difference​

(Life on the Nickel, Foster the People)

Realizing

Sometimes life is fine and dandy, and you can just let it flow. Just live. Just be.

Other times, life smacks you upside the head and says WAKE THE FUCK UP. You realize that a lot of things are really wrong, and they have been for a looooong time. At this point you can either stick your head in the sand and maintain the status quo, or answer the wake up call. If you answer, you're signing up for hard work. If you don't answer, you're signing up for more of the same. Neither one is pleasant, but one at least holds the potential for things to get better.

First you have to make this big choice. Then you have to make tens, hundreds, thousands of choices, each and every day. Nobody else is going to make these choices for you, take these steps for you; at the end of the day, everything really is your responsibility and nobody else's. That's right, I hate to say it, but it's most likely that nobody is going to swoop in and save you.

If you're miserable, sure you may be the victim of circumstance or violence, or anything in between. But if you are aware that you are miserable, it becomes your responsibility to make the misery stop. Only you can decide you do not want to live like this anymore.

Action

I've come through this point, and I'm making choices, every day. It came in waves: sickness, disappointment, dissatisfaction, emptiness, hurt, sadness, anger, regret, desperation, struggle, struggle, struggle. Face one of these, and through the door there's been another one to face. More choices, more struggle, more truth looking me in the eye, asking me what I'm going to do about it now.

And my answer has finally consistently been to take action and make changes. I would say my journey started spring of last year, but really the fork in the road came far later - Decmber 28th, 2012. It was the day that I really truly hit my emotional rock bottom. Life looked me in the eye and asked me if I'm going to keep living like this or if I finally want out. 

I wanted out, so bad.

I didn't know immediately where to start. I'd already been working on making changes to support my physical wellbeing, but I'd only grazed the surface of the emotional side of what was wrong in my life. So I did the same thing I've been doing all along when I realize there's a major problem: I start working on understanding it, finding resources that'll help me, and making choices and changes day by day.

It is not easy, in fact, it's a real mindfuck sometimes. I constantly question what I'm doing, whether my beliefs are "okay" or "right". But if my options are to change or stay stuck, you can bet I'm gonna start searching and keep searching until I figure it out.

Some things are foggy, but some things have become painfully clear in the last six months. I don't know all the answers yet, but I know that I don't want to live in pain anymore, and that I'm the only one who can make that happen.

I'm not quite there, but I'm close
And it's a world of difference.