Self-care

Since my creative energy started flowing again over the last several months, I've been frittering a lot of time away on various projects. Writing Chronically Yours, sewing, drawing, painting, working on my 365 project. That on top of the usual things I do these days: self care (sleep/eat/exercise as able; go to appointments/get tests/take supplements and medications), house stuff, garden maintenance; rest, rest, rest... I've been feeling a little all over the place. Not exactly what I was going for.

You got to push, got to shove
I've got to eat before they eat me
Got the crown and the cup
I've got to write to my family
And say, "I'm calm and feeling warm."
I'm not quite there, but I'm close
And it's a world of difference​

(Life on the Nickel, Foster the People)

Sometimes life is fine and dandy, and you can just let it flow. Just live. Just be. Other times, life smacks you upside the head and says WAKE THE FUCK UP. You realize that a lot of things are really wrong, and they have been for a looooong time. At this point you can either stick your head in the sand and maintain the status quo, or answer the wake up call. If you answer, you're signing up for hard work. If you don't answer, you're signing up for more of the same. Neither one is pleasant, but one at least holds the potential for things to get better.

Today was the final day of a six week self-portraiture course I was taking, called You Are Your Own Muse, taught by local photographer Vivienne McMaster. I found out about Vivienne's courses through a friend who had taken one of her previous courses, and decided to sign up. I've been finding having some daily prompts and extra motivation to do creative work very helpful in keeping my momentum after finally getting out of my creative paralysis last fall!

Untitled

Back in September, I wrote about my plan for the fall. I was pretty jazzed about it. Yes, jazzed. But I never really told you about what happened, did I...

<3 Baaad Anna's

This building is part of VGH, you wouldn't know how pretty it is from the outside. Sitting there, it was hard not to notice I was the youngest person for miles around who didn't actually work there. I was there to get a second opinion on my laryngeal granuloma.

Waiting for an appointment at VGH

Wow, I'm on some kind of blogging rampage! I can't help it, I need to get this stuff out of my brain!

I posted on Facebook earlier saying:

I'm really glad that my sensitivity meter is not on overdrive these days, and that I'm starting to just call bad behaviour what it is, instead of feeling like I brought it on somehow and that it reflects on my worth as a person.

There are a lot of rude people on their high horses these days, who especially use the internet as their platform, who've completely lost sight of KINDNESS. Who would rather be "right" and protect their "image" as popular or competent than show compassion. 

I no longer want any part of that. KINDNESS is the glue that holds us all together.

I guess this could be considered part two of what I needed to get caught up on writing about health-wise here. (Part one would be about the laryngeal granuloma.)

Adrenal fatigue

Have you heard of "adrenal fatigue"? There's been a lot of talk about it more recently in alternative health circles, but it's not just one of these flaky reasons to do more yoga and eat some kale. It's a real medical condition. 

Ok, so I keep hearing people talking about "ease" and moving towards doing what comes with more "ease". The work I was doing before was mostly things that I felt came pretty naturally to me (being organized, mediating between different stakeholders, writing emails, planning), but work didn't feel full of "ease" by any means.

Socializing didn't feel easy. Taking care of myself didn't feel easy. Even when I left my job in the spring, NOTHING felt easy.

Resting didn't feel easy, thinking about what I wanted to do with my life didn't feel easy, I felt fucking stressed and anxious all the time, in between trips and visitors all through the summer. I tried to go take art classes, and that all fell apart quickly. I did creative projects at home. I floundered. And then a couple weeks ago, it suddenly hit me. 

As I mentioned, one of the things I've been focused on this summer is self-care. Health (mental and physical), habits, diet, exercise, you name it I'm working on it.

I've been reading, journaling, and experimenting with what helps me feel better - trying things that are out of my comfort zone, and even outside of my belief system. Who knew real rest - not just resting because I'm already sick and worn out - was one of these.

I realized I hadn't really learned to rest

Flowers in San Francisco

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