Rants in my pants

I'm better than I was a couple weeks ago, but I am not well. Not yet. And the last two weeks, I pushed too hard, and now I'm feeling a bit worse again. It's so hard not to jump back in full on, into life.

 

I went to counseling this week for the first time in a while, I said I'd been struggling with a lot since getting really sick last month. Mainly, I am terrible about asking for help. And I am terrible at not pushing myself too hard once I start feeling better. I don't want to miss out on things, and I don't want to let people down.

My counselor asked me, so what? What is your greatest fear if you just stopped doing everything, and rested... And in all honesty, the only thing that came to mind, is if I stop doing everything I want and need to do, that I would feel like I don't exist. BAM. Biggest fear in life right there. Scares the bejeezus out of me even thinking about things like that.

And my head may as well be too.

I am officially failing at my intentions for 2010 the past few days. I have been feeling super frustrated and anxious, and generally out of sorts. Being that nothing in particular has triggered this, I am pretty inclined to associate it with not having felt too well again for the last couple weeks. I just don't recover well from any disturbances in the force, and it can take me weeks if not longer to get back to "normal" (whatever that is) after something goes off balance.

After randomly getting a really bad rash the week before, and then having a bad IBS flareup, I am feeling pretty run down emotionally and physically. And yet, the world keeps racing along, so I never feel like I can really stop and rest to a point where I actually feel rested. Just enough to keep trucking along and not totally fall apart.

I don't write too much about dating on here, because lets face it, Vancouver is a small city and everyone knows everyone, and that could just get awkward.  But this is a pretty meta post, so I'm just gonna go for it.

I am done with "dating".

There, I said it.  I've been single for the most part for the last 2.5 years, and at this point I've had my fair share of awkward first dates, and awkward few week to few month long "relationships."  Granted, probably the first 1.5 years of that was that sort of messed up dating where I was still working through everything from the previous relationship and finding myself again.  But the last year and a bit, I have really been in a frame of mind where if I met someone who was also in that place, and we hit it off I could actually see myself being ready for it.

Just when I started getting excited about everything that was going on, life gave me one more hurdle to jump--I thought I was on the upswing from the flu that I caught a couple weeks ago, but then Thursday night when I walked to the Safeway, I realized something just wasn't right.  It's only six blocks or so, but by the time I got there I was exhausted and felt kind of like I had asthma, but it just wouldn't really go away.  I went into work the next morning, but was still having the same feeling, and knew I had no choice but go to the doctor's.  I headed over there on my lunch break, only to find out that I'd actually developed both a respiratory and sinus infection.  Fun!  I guess sometimes I shouldn't be so tough on myself thinking I'm a wuss for being tired and not getting better fast enough, sometimes it really IS just that I'm not better yet!

So the doctor prescribed me some antibiotics and I called work telling them I wasn't going to make it back in, and headed over to the pharmacy.  Friends will know how much of a fan of swallowing pills I am, so I was not to thrilled to begin with, but sucked it up and choked down the first dose.  The pamphlet about the antibiotics warned that it tended to irritate people's stomachs, but the pharmacist had said that there weren't really many options, so I just toughed out the bit of discomfort.

Awesome inhaler and evil, evil pills.

I would just like to say how totally unimpressed I am about being sick right now. I've been sick since Thursday, after 2 days of having a fever and being achy all over and snotting all over the place. Now my fever is gone, but my throat hurts, and I'm all stuffy and coughing. And I just all of a sudden got a rash all over my tummy, its origins totally mysterious to me. WTF. Seriously, adding insult to injury. And this was supposed to be my vacation week! This is me NOT IMPRESSED.

Unimpressed - at spending the latter part of my vacation laid out with the flu

Big thanks to everyone who's checked up on me and brought me supplies over the last few days, I love you guys.

*Yawns*

I am tired. And I know I'm not the only one. But I'm the kind of tired that sleeping only helps so much (not that I've been getting enough anyway...stupid insomnia). I don't know how it happened, but I think I'm burnt out. Thing is, I think it's more of a community burn-out that's happening, and rightly so as there's been a heck of a lot going on! Especially the last few weeks, it just seems like there's one event after another going on.

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