Random blather

As each challenge in life appears and is confronted, we find ourselves on the other side of it, having either lost or been victorious. Lessons learned, bridges burned, badges earned... We recalibrate, set our compass to a new bearing, and keep moving on to whatever is next. In life and love, I hope and believe that each time we face a challenge, regardless of outcome, if we pay attention and respect the lessons offered, we come out stronger and more in tune with what we need and deserve in the long run.

This is one of my absolute favourite poems, I got it from a gumball machine in Seattle almost 4 years ago.

They are in a dark plum thicket
and she is too far above the ground,
can feel the lift and fall of walking
but is not walking. Beneath her
are the shoulders of a boy
who is willing to carry her for years

Yesterday, I was here:

quartet rehearsing dvorak (view of bowen)

It was lovely. LOVELY. That wasn't the only reason it was a good day though. It was the first day in about 6 weeks that I felt somewhat "normal" (ie. not so exhausted I can't really go out and do anything). I'm not sure exactly what did it, but after a giant sleep and a little dietary tinkering toward the end of the week, all of a sudden, something shifted.

I'm better than I was a couple weeks ago, but I am not well. Not yet. And the last two weeks, I pushed too hard, and now I'm feeling a bit worse again. It's so hard not to jump back in full on, into life.

 

I went to counseling this week for the first time in a while, I said I'd been struggling with a lot since getting really sick last month. Mainly, I am terrible about asking for help. And I am terrible at not pushing myself too hard once I start feeling better. I don't want to miss out on things, and I don't want to let people down.

My counselor asked me, so what? What is your greatest fear if you just stopped doing everything, and rested... And in all honesty, the only thing that came to mind, is if I stop doing everything I want and need to do, that I would feel like I don't exist. BAM. Biggest fear in life right there. Scares the bejeezus out of me even thinking about things like that.

Years ago when I was doing my undergrad at SFU, one of the doctors at the walk-in clinic there recommended a book to me called When the Body Says No. I went out and bought this book, and after flipping through it felt really offended at the recommendation. The book is about the physiological effects of stress, mainly in relation to how undealt with stress can result in chronic illnesses, auto-immune diseases, cancer, etc. I though the doctor was implying that I wasn't handling stress well, and it was making me sick. And whatever elements of truth that may have had, I found it incredibly offensive, largely because she didn't propose any solutions as far as what could help decrease the severity of my chronic health problems. So I put the book away on my shelf, and there it has sat for the past several years...yet surviving many book culls (for the sake of bookshelf sustainability).

So about that sick. I said Tuesday that things were pretty bad, but Wednesday they got worse. I ended up at the doctor's again, as it had gotten so bad that I was feeling too lightheaded to really do anything. That was the most scared I've been for my health in as long as I can remember. I got a really good doctor (surprisingly) at the walk in clinic Wednesday evening and he figured that my intestines had become pretty inflamed as a result of the virus I'd had, and that's why I wasn't really digesting anything properly anymore, and also why I had become so tired/weak.

I waffled back and forth on whether to even make intentions for this coming year (and then whether to publish them anywhere). I had been practicing existing without having a plan, and just seeing where life takes me. Thing is, having ended up in a place I didn't expect, I never really thought about where my current self could go. It's all fine and good seeing where things go, but I don't like just letting life happen to me, I want to make the life I want a reality. And so, it becomes time to think about what that means. It's fine if these intentions aren't fulfilled, there is no failure, there is only learning and doing better next time.

1. Cease to act based on fear. Go on the offensive in all aspects of life.

2. Remember how to hope, how to be ambitious. (And know that it doesn't jinx me, creating expectations that can't be met.)

The calm comes from certainty. Routine. Knowing the way things will be, the way people will be. Knowing the way I will be.

I fight constantly to maintain balance. It is what keeps me sane, and what keeps me well. Overdo anything, and I never know how far the scale will tip. How far off the rails things will go, and how long it will take to get back on track.

This last chapter has been one of building. I have built something that is sturdy, something that is robust, something that has longevity.

Something I want so much to protect.

Dec 2009

And.... the busiest of months has come to an end. Exhales.

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October was a great if not overbooked month. Between BarCamp Vancouver, the Drupal 7 Conrib Sprint, and the big PNW Drupal Summit in Seattle last weekend, I had only one weekend off the entire month (on which there was also Drupal Camp Portland, but I decided that would be pushing it).  I made up for the past month in a big way this weekend, going out to socialize only once (last night for Halloween), sleeping in till 10am both mornings, doing laundry, cleaning my bathroom, cooking, reading, chatting with my folks on the phone, and generally being a homebody.

This blog post comes to you in two parts: 1) Drupal 2) Everything else

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Drupal7 Codesprint

Intestine Socks!

My gosh, I don't know if things are actually really crazy right now, or if I'm just burnt out and tired of my stomach giving me grief.  Whatever is going on, I know I have been feeling super stressed and scattered, and crazy exhausted.  Sucks, cause I use all my energy up on work and then spend my Friday nights watching The Wedge (aka. one of the two only good shows left on MuchMusic - the other is Going Coastal) and knitting.  Granted, there are worse things in the world, but I'd frankly rather be out hanging with some lovely people!

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