Health

Before we get started, here's some new LCD Soundsystem for your listening enjoyment...

Much of my thoughts go like an agile retrospective these days... project management is permeating my thinking patterns.

Good

Yesterday, I was here:

quartet rehearsing dvorak (view of bowen)

It was lovely. LOVELY. That wasn't the only reason it was a good day though. It was the first day in about 6 weeks that I felt somewhat "normal" (ie. not so exhausted I can't really go out and do anything). I'm not sure exactly what did it, but after a giant sleep and a little dietary tinkering toward the end of the week, all of a sudden, something shifted.

I'm better than I was a couple weeks ago, but I am not well. Not yet. And the last two weeks, I pushed too hard, and now I'm feeling a bit worse again. It's so hard not to jump back in full on, into life.

 

I went to counseling this week for the first time in a while, I said I'd been struggling with a lot since getting really sick last month. Mainly, I am terrible about asking for help. And I am terrible at not pushing myself too hard once I start feeling better. I don't want to miss out on things, and I don't want to let people down.

My counselor asked me, so what? What is your greatest fear if you just stopped doing everything, and rested... And in all honesty, the only thing that came to mind, is if I stop doing everything I want and need to do, that I would feel like I don't exist. BAM. Biggest fear in life right there. Scares the bejeezus out of me even thinking about things like that.

Years ago when I was doing my undergrad at SFU, one of the doctors at the walk-in clinic there recommended a book to me called When the Body Says No. I went out and bought this book, and after flipping through it felt really offended at the recommendation. The book is about the physiological effects of stress, mainly in relation to how undealt with stress can result in chronic illnesses, auto-immune diseases, cancer, etc. I though the doctor was implying that I wasn't handling stress well, and it was making me sick. And whatever elements of truth that may have had, I found it incredibly offensive, largely because she didn't propose any solutions as far as what could help decrease the severity of my chronic health problems. So I put the book away on my shelf, and there it has sat for the past several years...yet surviving many book culls (for the sake of bookshelf sustainability).

So about that sick. I said Tuesday that things were pretty bad, but Wednesday they got worse. I ended up at the doctor's again, as it had gotten so bad that I was feeling too lightheaded to really do anything. That was the most scared I've been for my health in as long as I can remember. I got a really good doctor (surprisingly) at the walk in clinic Wednesday evening and he figured that my intestines had become pretty inflamed as a result of the virus I'd had, and that's why I wasn't really digesting anything properly anymore, and also why I had become so tired/weak.

And my head may as well be too.

I am officially failing at my intentions for 2010 the past few days. I have been feeling super frustrated and anxious, and generally out of sorts. Being that nothing in particular has triggered this, I am pretty inclined to associate it with not having felt too well again for the last couple weeks. I just don't recover well from any disturbances in the force, and it can take me weeks if not longer to get back to "normal" (whatever that is) after something goes off balance.

After randomly getting a really bad rash the week before, and then having a bad IBS flareup, I am feeling pretty run down emotionally and physically. And yet, the world keeps racing along, so I never feel like I can really stop and rest to a point where I actually feel rested. Just enough to keep trucking along and not totally fall apart.

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Some of you have met my my mean green cruising machine (which really needs a name - suggestions?)  But tonight I got reacquainted with my first bike love:

they call her red

Before the red bike, I had a super cheapo heavy bike that I got at Canadian tire when I was about 12 years old.  I had my parents ship this bike to me on Greyhound a while after I moved off of Burnaby Mountain down into North Burnaby for the second time (sometime around 2002 I believe), thinking I could ride it around the 'hood a bit.  I hadn't fully realized what a prairie bike it was - it weighed a ton and was only good on super flat roads.

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The weekend started off pleasantly, with dinner with a friend (from university) who's down here visiting for a week and a half.  We went out to Central on Denman, which I always forget is actually a pretty great place.  Not to mention, they were playing awesome music: MIA, old Erykah Badu, and local boys, DNA6 (whose cd I bought when I saw them play the Capers fair last year, and it's become one of my favorites, and turns out that they're friends of my boss, small world).  Great evening catching up.

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